at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
