I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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