Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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