My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
