i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
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I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
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So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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