No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
