rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
