I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
