I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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