A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
