Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
