did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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