she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
