Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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