she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
