Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
