Old men and throwing up are my life now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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