also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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