WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
