i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
