I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
