I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
