I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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