i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
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You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
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I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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