are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
