Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
