ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
