He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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