i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
