dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
