the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
