And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Randomize
