im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This is classic penis vs brain.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
