just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
