i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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