You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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