She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Randomize
