The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
