Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
