The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
high people should be assigned attendants
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
