Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
