if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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