You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
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Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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