I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Randomize
