the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
