Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
