You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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