So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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