I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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