If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
