I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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