I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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