i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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