I want you more than these girls want KFC
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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