I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
