If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
