Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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