What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
