god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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