We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
