I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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