im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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