Your face is a jimmy john
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
